Here’s a link to the very first column, which deals with my predictions about he much-ballyhooed new game Diablo III:

http://justadventure.com/article/140/featured-article-tell-me-i’m-wrong-about-diablo-3

And here’s a link to the second column, which is my Kickstarter Wishlist.:  http://justadventure.com/article/143/featured-article-kickstart-me!

I hope you enjoy the new column!

I’ve been a gamer for many years.  I’ve always felt luckier than my non-gamer friends, who I think seriously don’t know what they’re missing.  I feel gaming is far superior to passive pastimes like watching television.

Jane McGonigal is a game designer and researcher, and her amazing new book makes me prouder than ever to be a gamer.  In her beautifully written book, she describes why we love games, why games are better than reality, and how we can use games to make reality better.

Jane McGonigal

The book is broken up into three parts.  In the first part, McGonigal explores just what it is about games that makes them such effective engines for happiness.  Reading this section was pure joy, because it made me feel like someone much smarter than me had reached into my head and then sat me down to patiently explain to me all the reasons I love my favorite pastime so much.  Every single thing she asserts – that games provide a better work/reward feedback loop, that games make failure fun and educational, that games can improve our social connections, and many more – rang utterly true.

As fun as that portion of the book was, it was all stuff that I already knew intuitively, even if I’d never managed to articulate it as well as the author did.

But my brain really started to go crazy with the second portion of the book, which deals with how games can begin to make our real lives better.  She educated me about the concept of alternate reality games, which are just as fun as they sound.

Playing Tombstone Hold'em

McGonigal describes two new games that help the unpleasant experience of commercial flight more bearable.  A game that helps facilitate physical therapy and recovery.  Schools using games as a way to create more effective education.  Games played in graveyards that make us happier even as we think about death.

But it’s the third part of the book that really blew my mind.  In it, McGonigal explores how really large games played by large groups of people can change the world.

Remember that notorious scandal involving the Members of Parliament in the UK abusing their expense accounts?  The newspaper The Guardian was covering the story and wanted a full accounting of all of the MP’s expenses, so it could investigate just how serious the corruption was.

Under intense pressure, the government grudgingly agreed to release four years’ worth of records, but they made sure that they provided the data in the most unhelpful format possible:  558,832 separate pdf documents.  The Guardian knew it didn’t have the personpower to scan and evaluate all of those images.  So it decided to crowdsource the problem.  It invited the public to get involved.  It launched the first-ever Massively Multiplayer Investigative Journalism Project, which it called Investigate Your MP’s Expenses.

Did it work?  It worked staggeringly well.  Just three days into the contest, 170,000 of the documents had been studied!!  When the project was over, the resulting scandal led to resignations, indictments, and changed rules and laws.

Because The Guardian decided to make it into a game.

The book is rife with energizing examples of harnessing the power of online social networking and using games to make the world better.

Many people think crowdsourcing could be a way that we could solve enormous, dangerous problems, like global warming, water shortages, or why George Takei doesn’t get better roles in major films.

I can’t remember another book that prompted me to join so many different websites!  I am eager to participate in these worthy and exciting projects.

Reality is Broken isn’t billed as a self-help book, but I think it’s the best self-help book I’ve ever read.  I heartily recommend it to anyone who is interested in how play and technology can make our lives more happy and fun, and how we can use games together to make the world a better place.

http://realityisbroken.org/

All of my grandparents were Christian.

Both of my parents were raised Christian.

I spent two years in Episcopal schools!  I spent twenty years attending Southern Baptist churches.  My old copy of The New American Standard Bible is as marked up and highlighted as a college textbook.

The summer after my senior year in high school, I won Second Place in the State of Texas in the Baptist Youth Speakers Tournament.  Also that summer, I went on a mission trip to California, where I proselytized the Good News to innocent children and families in Yosemite Park.

There are hundreds of witnesses who can attest to my participation in all these Christian activities.  People who could cheerfully stand in front of a news camera and attest to the fact that, at least in 1976, I was a staunch devotee of Jesus Christ.

And yet, despite this avalanche of damning evidence to the contrary, I solemnly aver that I am not a Christian.  Incredible?  Unlikely?  Impossible to believe?

But true.  I have not been a Christian since 1979.

None of my friends seem to have a problem understanding this fact.  My friends who are still Christian are sometimes plenty irritated with me, I’m so very much NOT a Christian these days.  My friends understand that my religion is what I say it is, right now.

And yet, millions of Right-Wing pinheads in this country won’t afford the same courtesy to the President of the United States.

Obama’s middle name is Hussein.  [gasp!]  His grandfather was an African Muslim [sharp intake of breath!]  Even worse, Obama has consistently spoken with inclusion and good will to Muslim world.  [scandalous!!]

Obama’s father, though raised a Muslim, was, like me, a confirmed atheist before he was out of college.

Did Obama live in Muslim countries when he was young?  Uh, yeah, he did.  So did my friends David Givens and Amy Fox.  And I’m pretty sure neither one of them are Muslim.

Obama has written extensively about his life.  NOWHERE in these writings does he claim to be anything other than a Christian.

So what do you believe, Right-Wingers?  That from before he was a teenager, Obama had a secret plan to lead America into the evils of Sharia Law by initiating a lifelong deception about his religion?

He went to a Christian Church in Chicago for twenty years.  Was that all a ruse?

Are you people in third grade?

Do you know anything about Islam at all?  If you did, you’d understand that it’s not really possible to be a Secret Muslim.

Unlike Christianity, which does not require any outward change in your behavior at all (lots of suggestions, but no requirements), when you become a Muslim you actually have to do things.  Two very visible examples of this are having to eat halal (the Muslim equivalent of kosher) and the ritual of the Salah.

If Obama was a Secret Muslim, the food service people in the White House would know it, since every meal they would have prepared for the President for the last four years would have had to be halal.  This is not something that could be done without attracting a lot of attention.

The Salah is the required ritual of prayer every Muslim must fulfill at five absolutely specific times per day.  I’m talking about the prayer mat, the facing Mecca thing, etc.

There is absolutely no way any President could perform this ritual for four years, five times a day, and word of it not get out.  And guess what?  If Obama doesn’t observe the Salah, he’s not a Muslim.  Yeah, that’s how that works.

And one more thing.  What if it were true?  What if the President was a Muslim?  You realize that to object to that is un-American and unconstitutional, right?  Yeah, it’s in the Constitution that no religious test ever be required for political office in the United States.  That Religious Freedom thing you keep wailing about?  It cuts all ways.  It applies to Muslims, too.  You can be a real American and be a Catholic, a Baptist, a Buddhist, a Wiccan, a Hindu, a Muslim, or even someone who has no religion at all, like me.  And if you disagree with the preceding sentence, you are a religious bigot who doesn’t respect the Constitution.

I understand that many of you despise our President.  I get it.  I felt the same way about Bush II.  But here’s the key difference in how Democrats expressed their political dissatisfaction compared to a huge percentage of self-identifying Republicans today:

We didn’t make stupid shit up about the President  We talked about the REAL things about George Bush that we didn’t like.

The Right-Wing Obama Fantasists have created an utterly fictional Obama.  It’s childish, un-American, and pathetic.

I’ll listen to you rail against Obamacare all day.  I’ll hear your disagreement with the rollback of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  You can talk to me about any policy the Obama Administration has enacted that you disagree with.  We’re all Americans, let’s argue about politics!

But I am done listening to you spread irresponsible and childish lies about the lawfully elected President of the United States.

Have the stones to criticize our Actual president.  Not some made up, racist fantasy.

Grow the fuck up.

Dr. Kathy Magliato: My Hero

Ten years ago today, I was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Beverly Hills.  I had been ignoring increasingly serious chest pains for ten days.  I cannot defend this behavior, other than to tell you that I have actute “white coat hypertension” – meaning I’m terrified of doctors, doctor’s offices, and hospitals.

This time the fear nearly killed me, because when I finally went in, my main cardiac artery was 97% blocked.   In other words, I was a walking corpse.  Later I learned that the type of lesion I had on my artery had a nickname in the cardiac healthcare community:  The Widowmaker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widow_maker).

Lucky for me, Dr. Kathy Magliato and her talented team at Cedars swooped in and saved my life.  I’ll never forget the first thing she said to me as she leaned into my hospital bed and shook my hand:  “Mr. Ivey, you have a beautiful heart.  There is nothing wrong with your heart.”  It was an odd, but welcome thing to hear from the woman who was getting ready to cut me open and rewire said heart.

Dr. Kathy was ridiculously kind and calming.  She was way nicer than surgeons are supposed to be, and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

I as, of course, beside myself with terror.  Lucky for me, my friends and family immediately began taking care of me.  Bonnie kept me calm while I was being admitted.  My Dad flew in from Louisiana, slept on a shelf in my hospital room the night before the surgery, and took care of me for two weeks.  My friends Tayler, David, Anita, Ellen, and others made sure I had visits.  My cousin Sheryl was her usual championship self.  Even my boss, Erica, visited me while I was in ICU.  That’s hardcore.

Thanks to Dr. Magliato, I received a second chance at being alive.

Also:

Nassau is a county in Long Island, New York, a city in the Bahamas, and lots of other places. NASA is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. These are two different words which are not pronounced the same.

Finally: “Novel” is not a synonym for “book” any more than “Chicken chimichanga” is a synonym for “food.”  You don’t get to casually refer to a book as a “novel” to make yourself sound more sophisticated unless the book is ACTUALLY a novel.

That is all.

1. The Artist – Director Michel Hazanavicius goes retro with this silent movie about the advent of sound in Hollywood.  Yes, it treads some of the same ground as Once in a Lifetime and Singin’ in the Rain, but it’s highly original, beautiful, and enchanting.
2. Project Nim – Amazing true story of a misbegotten scientific experiment in the 1970s.  The goal?  To raise a chimpanzee as a human baby and see how much sign language he could learn.  A electrifying, appalling, fascinating, disturbing, and inspiring story.
3. Drive – This beautiful, horrifying, mesmerizing, sexy, and thrilling picture is the best crime thriller I’ve seen in years.  Ryan Gosling is spectacular, and Albert Brooks delivers the goods with an unforgettable supporting performance.
4. The Descendants – Alexander Payne’s beautifully observed family drama set in Hawaii.  Clooney’s best performance since Michael Clayton.
5. The Adventures of Tintin – I agree that Spielberg seemed revitalized by his dynamic handling of the big-feature debut of the beloved Belgian comic book hero.  Just about everything in the movie works.  Even the 3D.  It’s a fun, funny, thrilling ride.  Special props to Jamie Bell for a vocal performance that anchors the movie.
6. Midnight in Paris – Woody Allen’s best film in years, with a delicious magical premise and a very valuable moral.  It takes a lot for me to recommend a movie starring Owen Wilson, but Woody’s managed to do it.
7. Martha Marcie May Marlene – I know I was fairly hard on this movie when it came out, but I really think it was my own personal filter, and not the movie’s fault.  This is a highly original work, haunting, beautifully acted, and VERY disturbing.
8. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – I know I’m shocked, too.  But I probably shouldn’t be, with the genius Brad Bird taking over the directing duties.  But I must give props to Tom Cruise as well.  He turns in a performance of tremendous star power.  He’s even funny.  Color me disoriented.
9. Cave of Forgotten Dreams – The first 3D documentary I’ve ever seen.  Director Werner Herzog takes us into a newly-discovered cave in France that contains the oldest examples of human art ever discovered.
10. Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Top-notch commercial filmmaking.  The CGI performance-capture apes worked much better than I would have imagined.  Full of fantastic franchise easter eggs.  Only problem:  James Franco doesn’t bring any value-added, other than his looks.  He needs to work a little harder.

Honorable Mention

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II,  The Debt, Paranormal Activity 3, The Ides of March, Margin Call, Take Shelter, A Dangerous Method, Hugo[1], The Muppets, My Week With Marilyn, We Bought a Zoo, War Horse, Life in a Day, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Actor

Michael Fassbender — Jane Eyre, A Dangerous Method and Shame

Brad Pitt – Moneyball

Michael Shannon – Take Shelter

*George Clooney – The Descendants

Jean Dujardin – The Artist

Honorable Mention:  Rhys Ifans  — Anonymous, Dominic Cooper – The Devil’s Double

Actress

*Glenn Close – Albert Nobbs

Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady

Viola Davis – The Help

Michelle Williams — My Week With Marilyn

Charlize Theron – Young Adult

Honorable Mention:  Vera Farmiga – Higher Ground, Rooney Mara – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Tilda Swinton – We Need to Talk About Kevin, Elizabeth Olsen – Martha Marcie May Marlene

Supporting Actor

*Albert Brooks – Drive

Jonah Hill –Moneyball

John Hawkes – Martha Marcie Mae Marlene

Christopher Plummer – Beginners

Max Von Sydow – Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Honorable Mention:  Patton Oswalt – Young Adult

Supporting Actress

Jessica Chastain – The Help, The Debt

*Octavia Spencer – The Help

Bérénice Bejo – The Artist

Judi Dench – My Week With Marilyn

Janet McTeer – Albert Nobbs

Director

Stephen Spielberg — The Adventures of Tintin

Nicolas Winding Refn – Drive

*Michel Hazanavicius – The Artist

Brad Bird – Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Alexander Payne – The Descendents

Honorable Mention:  Vera Farmiga – Higher Ground, David Fincher – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Screenplay

Midnight in Paris

Moneyball

Drive

*The Descendants

My Week With Marilyn

Cinematography (it’s a tie)

*Drive

*Tree of Life

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Martha Marcie May Marlene

The Artist

Art Direction / Set design

*Hugo

The Immortals

The Help

Tree of Life

The Devil’s Double

War Horse

Costumes

Albert Nobbs

*Anonymous

The Immortals

Score

The Descendants

*The Adventures of Tintin

Carnage

Documentary

*The Troubadors – terrific chronicle of the emergence of the singer/songwriter on the American pop music scene in the late 60s and early 70s, with a special emphasis on James Taylor and Carole King.

Tabloid – Errol Morris once again finds a fascinating human story to explore.

Being Elmo – A loving portrait of legendary Muppeteer Kevin Clash.

Animated Feature (no winner; they are all sooooo good)

Rango

Puss in Boots

The Adventures of Tintin

Foreign Language Feature

Undertow [Peru]  – A gorgeous film that uses magical realism to tell a sweet, sad and life-affirming love story.

*Point Blank [France] – A very thrilling, twisty, well-acted and superbly shot crime story.

Funniest!

Puss in Boots

Paul

Undergoddamnedrated

The Eagle – It was not only the best gay movie of the year, but a surprisingly well done depiction of the collision of Rome and native Caledonian (that is, proto-Scottish) barbarians in the second century.  Channing Tatum, Jamie Bell and Mark Strong are all in fine form.

In Time – Why did critics hate this movie so much?  It was clever, audacious and exciting.  Justin Timberlake proves his mettle as an action star.

The Lincoln Lawyer – I don’t care what anyone said.  This was the first grownup movie in forever from the once-promising Matthew McConnaughey, and he is quite good in it.

The Guard – Written and directed by the brother of the man who wrote and directed the great “In Bruges” and likewise starring the great Brendan Gleeson, this tiny little character-driven thriller deserves a look by any film buff.  Also, it’s always good to see Don Cheadle in anything.

Special Shout-Out to YouTube

For producing the remarkable movie Life in a Day.  Ordinary people from around the world were invited to submit video of their own lives on a particular day – July 24, 2010.  The thousands of videos received were culled and edited into a beautiful portrait of life on Earth.

The Greatest Film Ever Made

A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas.  Okay, not really the GREATEST, but it’s wall-to-wall fun.

Most Bizarre Film Sequence of 2011

Oscar-winner Chris Cooper breaks into a rap number in The Muppets.

Slyest Dirty Joke

They managed to slip a song called “Fuck You” into the family-friendly The Muppets.  How did they do it?  It was sung by the chickens, who can only speak one word:  “Bok!”

Waaaaaaay Better Than I Expected

Anonymous — Who would have ever put money on the chances of Roland Emmerich directing a movie that I would champion?  Well, he did.  This speculative tale of an alternative author of Shakespeare is simply delicious from start to finish.  Seriously, put it on the top of your Netflix queue.

Most Underrated Movie of the Year

Paul.  Yes, this silly alien-on-the-run comedy was hilarious and smart.  Rent it if you don’t believe me.

Further Proof that Liam Neeson Has Stumbled Onto a Really Good Career Phase

In 2008 when he scored with Taken (a JANUARY release!) it seemed like a fluke.  But then he followed it up with Unknown this past January.  Both were solid, fun thrillers.  If his new film The Grey follows suit, he’ll have a full-fledged franchise on his hands.

I must be going soft, because …

I actually didn’t mind Starlet Johansson in We Bought a Zoo.  Is this a sign of The Apocalypse?

Inched me closer to accepting John C. Reilly as a movie star

The very underappreciated, sweet, odd, and funny Cedar Rapids.  Also, it was great to see Anne Heche in a lead role again!

Trashy Fun

I Am Number Four.  Dopey but weirdly fun high school science fiction action pic.

Limitless.  Fun wish-fulfillment fantasy with Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro (playing against type in a fun way).

Source Code.  Special props to Vera Farmiga who has to give most of her performance as a talking head on video, and yet still manages to be compelling at every moment.

Horrible Bosses.

Good Neighbors – even the presence of two actors I really like (Jay Baruchel and Scott Speedman) couldn’t turn this sow’s ear into a silk purse, but it’s a genre I like so much (Chamber Thriller) that I still enjoyed myself.

The Devil’s Double – Nasty thriller based on the true life experiences of a man forced into living as a double for one of Saddam Hussein’s sons.  Tremendous work by Dominic Cooper in dual roles.

The Help – It cheapens the themes of the book, but it’s still beguilingly written and performed.  Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer are standouts in a terrific cast.

30 Minutes or Less – It’s possible this movie only seemed good because I was in Tampa.

Crazy Stupid Love – It was a hot mess, but still, fun.

Friends With Benefits – Sharp, funny romcom with very appealing lead performances from Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.

Fright Night – A totally unnecessary remake, but still, fun!

In Time – Written and directed by Andrew Niccol, the same dude who wrote and directed Gattaca.  And yeah, this movie may be a tiny bit too much LIKE Gattaca, but hey, Justin Timberlake over Ethan Hawke is a huge improvement, right?  In Time is elegant and exciting and fun.

The Immortals – as my friend Brett might say, “Bring on the mens!”

The Adjustment Bureau – Silly, but nice high concept plus great suits and hats.

Scariest

Paranormal Activity 3 – The filmmakers behind 2010’s Catfish take over the reins of the popular “Found Footage” franchise, with very creepy results.  Best cinematic idea:  The camera mounted on the oscillating fan.

Best Career Move

It was extremely smart for Matthew Lillard to take a one-scene role in The Descendants.  Not only is it a better picture than he has ever been in, but it’s a role utterly unlike anything we’ve seen him do before.  Good for him, his agent, and Alexander Payne for using him in this interesting way.

Special Kudos to Warner Brothers

I have to congratulate Warner Brothers for the skillful and consistent and classy way they have handled the Harry Potter franchise.  Over the course of ten years, eight films, five different directors and a galaxy of the most talented British thespians, the films were consistently entertaining and well-made.  Probably the greatest thing Warners got right was the casting of the three leads:  Daniel Ratcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint.  Not only did they embody the books characters beautifully (Ms. Watson is too pretty for Hermione, but that’s not her fault), but they handled themselves offscreen in a classy and professional manner.  The Harry Potter movies will go down in Hollywood history with one of the greatest film franchises, taking a well-deserved place alongside the Thin Man films, the James Bond films, the Fred and Ginger dance movies, and many others.  My hat is off to all involved.

Fun Villains

January Jones as an icy assassin and Frank Langella as a Machiavellian boss in Unknown.

Best Special Effect

Jeremy Renner’s forearms in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Can we see more of?

Isiah Whitlock – Very funny and appealing as a not-particularly “street” black dude in Cedar Rapids

Anne Heche – Okay so maybe she’s crazy.  Who cares.  She’s a big talent, and I want to see her in more movies.

Mason Lee – practically the only good thing in The Hangover II.

Corey Stoll – mesmerizing as Ernest Hemmingway in Midnight in Paris.

Emma Stone – I know, she starred in two big movies this year, but she’s adorable.

Zachary Quinto – He was only in two features this year and one of those was a cameo.  I think we can all agree that this isn’t enough.

Jessica Chastain – Seriously, the flavor of the month this year.  She appeared in Texas Killing Fields, The Tree of Life, The Debt, The Help, Coriolanus, Take Shelter.  All major roles, too.  For once, I think they’ve anointed the right actor as The Next Big Thing.  I approve, and I hope we get to see her in seven movies in 2012.

Kudos for compliance with the “Ray and tayler” rule about getting in shape for a movie

Alex Pettyfer in I Am Number Four

Rooney Mara in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love and Drive

A friendly warning to kal penn…

… who took a brief sabbatical from his duties working for President Obama to make A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas:  You’re a very good looking guy.  Don’t let all that plush White House food send you into a weight-gaining spiral.  Learn from MY mistakes!!

Great suits and hats!

The Adjustment Bureau

Give Him a lead in an “A” picture already

Anthony Mackie

Best Argument For a Benevolent Deity

Henry Cavill in The Descendants

Greatest ALIENS Reference Ever

In Paul, Blythe Danner gets to yell TO Sigourney Weaver:  “Get away from her, you BITCH!”  Heaven.

Overrated, I don’t care what you say

Bridesmaids – I like Kristen Wiig as much as the next guy, but her script for this movie was alternatively unfunny (the one-upsmanship party toast sequence) and stupidly over-the-top (yay, wedding gowns and diarrhea).  Also:  Are there really Irish cops in Milwaukee?  Really?

Super 8 – Elle Fanning was terrific, but the train crash was stupidly over-the-top, and the third act made no sense at all.

I Guess I Am Just Too Stoopid to Understand, Appreciate, or Enjoy It

Tree of Life

Most Boring Movie of 2011

Of Gods and Men.  Yes, this French film actually managed to be more dull than The Tree of Life.

Weirdest Movie of 2011

Rubber.  A movie about a sentient, homicidal steel-belted radial tire.  And it’s not animated.  Yes, it’s as strange as it sounds, and very very meta, in case that appeals to you.

Biggest Disappointment

Red State – Kevin Smith ventures into Quentin Tarantino / Coen Brothers territory, with very indifferent results.

It may be time to talk about a constitutional amendment barring artists from becoming filmmakers

Or at least to keep Steve McQueen from making another movie as boring as Shame.  Yes, he managed to make a film about a sex addict played by the frequently nude Michael Fassbender boring.  This couldn’t have been easy.  But he managed, and made it predictable and pretentious as well!

Worst Score

The Chemical Brothers’s earsplitting, inappropriate, jangling, obnoxious music for Hanna.

The Jodie Foster Award For Worst Performance by a Lead Actor

I regret to report that this award goes, once again, to… Jodie Foster herself for her hammy, senior-class-play-level performance in the otherwise interesting Roman Polanski film Carnage.  Perhaps it’s time to consider just giving Jodie the Lifetime Achievement Award in this category?

Worst Films of the Year

Water For Elephants – BLEH.  Not even Academy Award-winners Christoph Waltz and Reese Witherspoon could salvage this tedious bit of dreck starring an inexcusably out-of-shape Robert Pattinson.

Thor – First of all, it was a bore.  Second, it was a cheat.  Why?  The publicity machine was in overtime for an entire year about the incredible shape star Chris Hemsworth was getting into for the title role.  The trailers for the film showed a very brief glimpse of his amazing physique.  Unfortunately, it turns out, that brief shot was the entire amount of screentime he appeared shirtless. I want my money back!

The Hangover II – I loved the first one.  Really.  But this one was a bust.  It also confirmed all of my fears about the city of Bangkok.

What’s Your Number?  — Even the presence of a frequently-naked Chris Evans couldn’t lift this dumb, contrived romcom out of the doldrums.

Hanna – It’s full of people I love (Eric Bana, Saoirse Ronan, Cate Blanchett) and directed by the talented Joe Wright (Atonement, Pride and Prejudice).  But the movie sucked, no matter what my friend Valerie might tell you.  Don’t listen to her.

REST IN PEACE!

The peerless Elizabeth Taylor (1932-2011)

The indefatigable Harry Morgan (1915-2011)

The underrated “full-figure” girl Jane Russell (1921-2011)

The legendary Hollywood agent Sue Mengers (1932-2011)

The very tall James Arness (1923-2011)

The sort-of creepy Jeff Conaway (1950-2011)

The 50-foot woman herself, Yvette Vickers (1928-2010)

The perennial character actor Michael Gough (1916-2011)

The puzzlingly admired Pete Postlethwaite (1946-2011)

The sexy siren Anne Francis (1930-2011)

The alarmingly hilarious Kenneth Mars (1935-2011)

The prolific film composer John Barry (1933-2011)

The insane director Ken Russell (1927-2011)

The durable Charles Napier (1936-2011)

The Oscar-winning Cliff Robertson (1923-2011)

The simply great Peter Falk (1927-2011)

The tragically underappreciated writer, producer, and designer Polly Platt (1939-2011)

Comments?  Kudos?  Threats?  Please leave a comment!!

“Yeah, we do,” he said.  “Even if we weren’t in the same thing, we all know each other from conventions and cruises and stuff.”

He then confirmed that yes, he knew my dear old friend Robin Curtis (Lieutenant Saavik in III and IV).  Blah, blah.

Then we just slid into talking about how much we both admired George Takei.

I’m not a Trek person.  Nothing against it!  I just never got that into it.  Basically the tiny bit I know about Trek is because of people I know who are professionally connected to it, not because I was ever really a fan.

So my admiration of Takei is not due to his iconic status as Mr. Sulu, though of course that is very cool.  No, the reason I’m all about The Takei is because of what a fantastic civil rights activist he is.

A native of Los Angeles, Takei did part of his growing up in the internment camps in which the U.S. government disgracefully confined thousands of American citizens during the war for the crime of being of Japanese descent.  Takei has always been very active in Japanese and Japanese/American issues.

For the last few years, Takei has also been a relentless and effective activist for gay rights.  His hilarious and biting YouTube videos garner stupendous numbers of hits.

I’ve always valued humor as a tool of ridicule and political discourse, and I find Takei’s activist work to be subversively clever and devastatingly pointed.  He has become quite a hero of mine.

Anyway, Michael, another guest at dinner, caught wind of what we were discussing, and dropped the following little bombshell:

“Takei?  You know I’m his agent.”

Very.  Long.  Pause.

“…really?!” I gulped.

As it turns out, Michael helped Takei pull his career out of the doldrums.  He’s the one who booked Takei on Howard Stern’s Sirius radio show, which really spiked his visibility. (Visibility!  Radio!  Yuk yuk!)  He booked him on “Heroes,” commercials, and other things.  Was at his wedding, yadda yadda yadda.

When Michael first met Takei, the actor was still professionally pretty closeted.  After he decided to be more frank about being gay, the same thing happened that has happened to other closeted celebrities:  His career skyrocketed.

“How great was he on the Shatner roast,” I said.

“Oh yeah!” said Michael.  “We were there,” his wife Jasmine said.

“Well.”  I said.  “Please, the next time you speak to him, would you tell him that you know someone who is a HUGE admirer of his and who appreciates the work he does for civil rights.”

Michael chuckled.  “Tell him yourself.  I’ll call him.”

Yeah, right.  As yummy as this prospect was, I was way too polite to push it, so I let it go and let the conversation drift toward other topics – involuntary organ transplants, Serbo-Croation cuisine, fleas — you know, the usual stuff.

A few minutes later, Michael walked up to me.  “Tried him, no answer.”

Wow!  “Well, thanks for trying, anyway!”

A few minutes after that, he walked back up to me, phone in his ear.

“Yeah.  Oh, George, I have a friend here who really wants to say hello to you.”

Handed me the phone.

I didn’t hesitate.  I didn’t stutter.  I am a professional.

“Hello, Mr. Takei,” I said.  “I’m awfully sorry to interrupt your Christmas.  But I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re one of the fiercest and rowdiest warriors we have for civil rights now, and I SO appreciate everything that you do.”

To which he replied, “Fuck off, faggot.”

No.  KIDDING.  Of course he didn’t say that.  Don’t be silly!

What he SAID was:

“Well, I think we all do what we can do, and I appreciate what YOU do.”

Classy guy.

I said Merry Christmas and so long, hung up the phone, had a quiet little nerdgasm.

If you are not familiar with Takei’s riotous videos on YouTube, I highly recommend you check them out.  Also recommended is his very active Facebook page.

 [Note:  I’ve peppered this final edition of Spring Forward with some of my favorite pictures from the many I took on the trip.]

I began this trip with lists, have used lists throughout the journey, and now cannot seem to end without using lists.  I thought about lists the whole trip.

But before I get to these final lists, I have a couple of thoughts about the trip in general.

This next bit may sound a big smug, and if it does, I apologize ahead of time, because smugness is so very unattractive.  But here goes anyway.

I mostly feel good about the trip because I pulled it off so well.  While it’s true that I feel like fear causes serious constraints on my life in many areas, I don’t think you could say it does in regards to travel.  For whatever reason, whatever bravery I have comes to the fore when it comes to putting myself into unfamiliar surroundings.

I never freaked out when I was navigating a strange foreign city, whether on foot or underground in a subway.  I never panicked when all the conversation around me was in words I couldn’t understand.  I found ways to enjoy each new strange place I visited.

Also, since I’ve learned to be a careful traveler, my journey was not beset by lots of negative events.  Or, to be more specific:

I never missed a connection on a flight, train, or bus.

I never had a problem with a hotel reservation.

I never had a problem with my passport or my Russian visa.

I never had a bag lost or stolen.

I never had a gadget lost, stolen or broken, and remember, I was carrying a big expensive camera, two lenses for that camera, two handheld portable gaming devices, a phone, a laptop, a mouse, a keyboard, headphones, etc.

And now I’m home.  Actually, I’ve been home a week.  I’m mostly glad to be home.

I have felt a bit weird, though.  I’ve felt a bit disoriented, sometimes a bit blue.  I’ve been tired and uninspired.  Some.  A lot of this I think I can mark down to jet lag, but there’s also simply trip lag.  Being away from home for twelve full weeks is pretty extreme. 

Reentry into my apartment was made even odder by the fact that I’m now the only person living here.  My roommate of four years moved out while I was gone.  This sounds a lot more dramatic than it is.  I knew Steve was moving, and moved on perfectly good terms.  He never intended to stay here for four years when I invited him to stay with me when he was unfairly kicked from his longtime apartment in 2007.  He’s been a great roommate.

In fact, there’s some symmetry here, because Steve moved in in March 2007 while I was traveling in Asia for the same client I was in Europe for when he moved out.  It’s a little like Mary Poppins coming and going when the wind changes in a certain way.

Another thought I’ve had a lot over the last week is that I’m basically at home wherever I am.  In this sense, as horribly pretentious as I’m sure it sounds, I’m really a citizen of the planet.  I’m happy to be back home in LA, but in some ways it’s just the next place I’m hanging my hat.  This is not a bad thing.

I’m so grateful for the gift of this trip.  I’m grateful to the client that made it possible, and for all the colleagues along the way that made the project such a pleasure to work on.  I’m so thrilled to have had the opportunity to see so many beautiful and fascinating new places.

I’m also extremely grateful to you, Dear Reader, for taking this journey with me! 

Books Read on the Trip

• Arthur and George by Julian Barnes
• Zoe’s Tale by John Scalzi
• The Water Babies by Charles Kingsley
• Riding the Bullet by Stephen King
• The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterling
• On the Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
• The Stollen Bacillus and Other Stories by H.G. Wells
• The Reluctant Mr. Darwin by David Quammen
• Role Models by John Waters
• Born Standing Up by Steve Martin
• 50 Reasons People Give For Believing in a God by Guy P. Harrison
• Eiger Dreams:  Ventures Among Men and Mountains by Jon Krakauer
• Three Cups of Deceit by Jon Krakauer
• Iron Kingdom:  The Rise and Downfall of Prussia 1600-1947
• You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop to the Coffee Shop by John Scalzi
• This Will Change Everything by John Brockman
• A Fist in the Hornet’s Nest by Richard Engel
• The Epoch Index by Christian Cantrell
• Venom by Christian Cantrell
• Fallen Dragon by Peter F. Hamilton
• Mysterium by Robert Charles Wilson
• The Perseids by Robert Charles Wilson
• The President’s Brain is Missing by John Scalzi
• Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett
• Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett
• Starbound by Joe Haldeman
• Little Fuzzy by H. Beam Piper
• The Frozen Sky by Jeff Carlson
• Out of the Black by Lee Doty

That’s twenty-nine books.  Go Kindle.

Cities Visited (Total:  20)

• Ohio
• Cleveland
• Toledo
• Pennsylvania
• Pittsburgh
• New York
• New York
• New Jersey
• New Brunswick
• Belgium
• Brussels
• Bruges
• Ghent
• Leuven
• France
• Paris
• Lithuania
• Vilnius
• Trakai
• Germany
• Berlin
• Potsdam
• Munich
• Austria
• Salzburg
• Russian Federation
• Moscow
• St. Petersburg
• Estonia
• Tallinn
• Finland
• Helsinki

 Countries visited:  9

 Number of Airplanes:  13

 Number of Trains:  6

 Number of Buses:  2

 Number of Rental Cars:  1

 Number of Private Cars:  5

 Number of Different Hotel Rooms:  15

 Number of Tours:  10

 Number of Segways:  2

Number of Falls from Segways:  1

 Massages:  4

 Ethnic Cuisine Restaurants:  9

• Mexican
• Italian
• Indian
• Uzbek
• Israeli
• German
• Austrian
• Flemish
• Finnish

Passport Stamps:  4

Distance Traveled Today: 6,952 miles

Total Distance Traveled for the Trip:  19,608

Vesa and I helped start the Shadowland Theater in Ellenville, New York, twenty-six years ago, and the theater is a thriving Equity house today.

I’m a bit over an our into my twelve hour final flight home.

It’s a very long day in every sense of the word.  First of all, in terms of hours, it’s literally a long day:  thirty-four hours, to be exact.  Even weirder, at least twenty-five of those hours will be in sunlight.

Travel time from door to door:  about twenty-six hours. 

Why so long?  Well, because I’m a stupid airline ticket buyer, that’s why.  Back in March, when I was building this enormous itinerary on Expedia, I was so addled with excitement at the idea of getting to go to Russia that I just wanted the tickets reserved and bought.  So I didn’t notice one pertinent fact about my flight home to Los Angeles from Helsinki:  Not only did it start very early (the flight left at 6:55 a.m.), but it included a seven hour layover in Munich.  When I noticed this it was too late to change it, thanks a lot, Expedia.

Helsinki's stunning Lutheran Cathedral dominates Senate Square

Anyway, it was surprisingly easy to pleasantly spend all day in the Munich airport.  I had a massage, snacked, played (or attempted to play) The Temple of Elemental Evil on the laptop, and just generally explored the airport. 

Monumental figures carved into the facade of the main train station.

Now that the trip is ending I feel it’s appropriate to revisit the goals I layed down on the first Day 1 o so long ago:

Goals For My Eleven Week Globetrotting Work Trip

1.  Endeavor to not merely look, but to See.
2. Write as much as possible.
3. Take as many good photographs as possible.
4. Try to find Mexican food in every city I’m in.
5. Try to go to the movies in every city I’m in.
6. Try to return from the trip thinner than when I left.

How did I do?  I’ll take them out of order.

Write as much as possible.  I’d have to say this was the goal I was most successful at, and feel the best about.  Writing this travel diary has been a big project, and has taken up a non-trivial amount of time during the trip.  But it’s been worth it.  I’m a very lazy writer and I was interested to see if I could muster up the discipline to faithfully write about the trip on a daily basis.  And I have!  At over one hundred pages, it’s the longest thing I’ve ever written, for better or worse.

Try to find Mexican food in every city I’m in.  Did pretty well on this one:

Cities In Which I Found and Enjoyed Mexican Food on the Trip

• Toledo, Ohio
• Cleveland, Ohio
• New York, New York
• Brussels, Belgium
• Paris, France
• Vilnius, Lithuania
• Berlin, Germany
• Munich, Germany
• Moscow, Russian Federation
• St. Petersburg, Russian Federation
• Tallinn, Estonia
• Helsinki, Finland

I hasten to add that I didn’t always find good Mexican food, but good was not a requirement.

Try to go to the movies in every city I’m in.  Not bad, not great.  It’s always a challenge in a foreign country finding a) a movie presented in English that b) I am interested in seeing and c) haven’t already seen.  But I did my best.

Helsinki's orthodox cathedral

Movies I Saw on the Trip

• The Adjustment Bureau (Cleveland)
• Rubber (Cleveland)
• Insidious (Cleveland)
• Connected (Cleveland)
• Limitless (Cleveland)
• The Lincoln Lawyer (Cleveland)
• Source Code (New York)
• Of Gods and Men (New York)
• Route Irish (Brussels)
• Water for Elephants (Vilnius)
• Thor (Berlin)
• Life in a Day (Moscow)
• The Hangover II (Tallinn)

Take as Many Good Photographs as Possible.  I’m so glad I decided to go to the trouble of taking my new camera on the trip.  I enjoyed it very much, and I’m thrilled with the variety of subjects I had the opportunity to photograph, happy with many of the images I got, and very happy with a few of them.  I’ll pull my favorites and post them in a group on Facebook shortly.

Return from the trip thinner than when I left.  Alas, on this one, it’s Europe:1, Ivey:0.  The first order of business upon my return is to get to work shedding the Europounds.

Endeavor to not merely look, but to see.  I’m not convinced I was successful at this one much. I have a strong tendency to see what I expect to see.  Having the camera helped, though, if only in providing negative lessons.  There were several potentially wonderful pictures that I failed to get becauseI wasn’t quick enough and/or I hesitated to talk to strangers.  More, perhaps, on this later.